Archive for November, 2004
Nibbles.
Posted on November 29, 2004, by soph, under Uncategorized.
It has been a few days since my previous rant. Much has happened. Little has happened. Wait, let me explain.
My brother came back from camp. He has learnt how to do a forward flip without landing on his head and concussing himself. He can do some breakdance move called “the helicopter” or some such too. Finally, someone to play with me during the days.
November is all but over. I am devastated. What? No more bumming in just a few weeks?! Like I said, devastated. Am still contemplating my first job. Some say I should not be picky, take whatever I’ve been offered. Some say only go for the good positions. I say I should do what I love. Still. And then there are all those pending responses. By the end of this week, I should have a better idea. I should probably also make a decision like, really fast.
We have done nothing about the wedding. The looks we get from those who ask are becoming increasingly incredulous. But we still think we’re going to make it. The confidence of the unstressed is a beautiful thing. You do not have to agree.
I just heard about it, and it. If you haven’t, you won’t be hearing it from me. You see, it may be good news, but it’s not my good news to tell.
The long dicussions, the inability to understand fully the odd wiring that is the male psyche, the inability to understand fully the odd wiring that is the culture in church(es), tennis after months of inactivity, Alexis at midnight, bak kut teh, Murni’s, Long Black, in-law debates, Roslan Aziz playing the guitar and not singing, … I’m relishing every opportunity to share life and experience it.
I probably should say more, except it is 1.20am and I’m not sure I want to get into details now. But it’s been more than good. And I’ve learnt that each time we do not understand someone is just another opportunity to learn something new, to see things from a different perspective, and to know that person just a little bit better.
I don’t care what the rat says, curiosity is a wonderful thing. Well, most of the time.
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Midnight Mullings.
Posted on November 25, 2004, by soph, under Psychobabble.
Warning: The following is an expression for therapeutic purposes. You’ll know what I mean.I am bored. I am restless. I cannot sleep, but I don’t know what to do with myself. You have no idea how much I would love to just sleep until noon tomorrow, but somehow I doubt that is going to happen. And so in lieu of all the above, and the fact that this blog is to me, as much an avenue of therapy as anything else, I shall open the floodgates as they say, and let it all out. After all, if there’s one thing I have a lot of right now, it is time.
I learnt early on never to walk away from an argument unless I was absolutely sure I wanted to. Any mildly dramatic being - ie the entire human species - has probably tried at least one of these during some argument at some point in their life - storming out of a room, stalking off from a disagreement, slamming down the phone. It is the theatrical flair in each of us, and even I, who cannot act to save my life, has but an element of this within me. I wonder, is it human nature, or is it the result of way too many television dramas? Whichever it is, nothing is quite as embarrassing as storming off in a huff, and then having to come back sheepish, because a) you had to resolve the issue; or b) you’d stormed off into a dead end, quite literally, as I saw one gentleman do last week. Personally, I’ve learnt never to do that because I always end up doing a). You see, I’m one of those people the verse (if I remember correctly that there is such a verse), do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, is written for/about. I hate unresolved arguments. The “common wisdom” of letting angry people be until they’ve cooled down, or leaving angry people to sleep on it for a night, just does not apply to me for some reason. It is a curse, that I must speak my mind and not bottle it up. That I must express it and do so now, as opposed to mulling it over a sleepless night. That if you matter enough to me, I want to and need to resolve the argument now. And you of all people should know that, if only because I have said it so many times.
I always thought it was my nature to give in to people. That somewhere along the line of my upbringing, I developed a character that has been termed by others as “easy-going”, “nice”, “not fussy”, and sometimes “can’t think for myself”. It is not a good thing I assure you. Because I believe we are by nature selfish beings. And so I wonder if I am really giving in to people from a sincere heart of generosity, because it is a subconscious desire to be liked, accepted and loved, or is it due to an imperceptible lack of esteem?
…I know, I sound like a raving mad Arts student, deconstructing and analysing anything and everything, but hey, it’s 1.30am and anything is possible. Besides, it’s therapeutic. I feel better (ie sleepy) already…
Then there’s the little problem of this dog-eat-dog world and the whole survival of the fittest thingamajig. Darwin was wrong about evolution, but he was pretty spot-on about the strong eliminating the weak. Except instead of animals and apes, he’d unknowingly described human nature. It is sad but true - the aggressive are hated, the passive are scorned. Maybe that’s why people are so hungry for power, because they unconsciously fear they will be “eliminated” if they are weak. According to Planet Earth, power is equated to control - he who calls the shots is the most powerful. So everyone is quick to bring down the powerful they deem threatening, while being equally eager to crush those who are weaker.
…I’m starting to wonder if my ramblings don’t make sense…
And so I find that being “nice” is a very complicated thing. Besides mulling over my conscious and unconscious motivations, there is the fear that I am constantly being taken advantage of, or at the very least, taken for granted. I believe it happens. I believe I have been guilty of doing the same to other “nice” people. But it is a very real fear, not that I will be taken advantage of by those I know, but that I am taken for granted by the people closest to my heart. Because I do not care about the woman who cuts my queue, or the coursemate who disappoints, but I care about close friends, family, and most of all, him. On the one hand I know what the Bible says I should do, but on the other hand, can we really only ever give without taking? Is it humanly possible, or just a perfection we strive towards in technicality only? Is it even perfection at all?
I’m not asking for a dozen messages of encouragement and support, I just need to say this so my therapy is complete and I can go to sleep: I am so being taken for granted.
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Missing him.
Posted on November 24, 2004, by soph, under Uncategorized.
At last, I am bored. I don’t feel like I’ve bummed unless I get bored, because if you’re busy, you’re not bumming. And even if “busy” means going out, job-hunting, watching movies with my brother over pig-out fests etc, I am still occupied, which in my mind equates to not bumming.
Well, I’m still job-hunting, but my brother has gone for a children’s camp. And it finally hit me yesterday - my daytime social life for the past 4 weeks has been revolving around an 11 year old. I didn’t realize just how much of my time he takes up with his constant bugging me to watch movies, eat everything in the house, play “Speed” (you know, the card game), play basketball, go swimming, play Gameboy…
But now that he’s been gone for 2 days, man I miss him.
Just a week or two more of this, and I’ll be so ready to work. I hope.
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Feel. Robbie Williams.
Posted on November 23, 2004, by soph, under Movies Music TV.
Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.
I sit and talk to god,
And he just laughs at my plans.
My head speaks a language,
I don’t understand.
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.
I don’t wanna die,
But I ain’t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I’m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I’ve arrived,
I can see myself coming.
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.
I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after.
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.
Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
The cry of generations in a cold, cold world.
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Overheard
Posted on November 23, 2004, by soph, under Learning Curve.
“Studying is very easy. You just have to understand what it talks about. A lot of people study until very late at night. I tell you, those people don’t know how to study. Ask your grandma, I didn’t study much, I play a lot last time but I always do well. Because I know how to study. Once you understand the basics, you will understand. Some people say studying is very hard, but I don’t agree. You just have to understand the basics, like you know, biology, what it talks about, it’s about a cat has four legs, it’s very simple, you just have to understand. Some people only know how to study 1 plus 1 equals 2, 2 plus 2 equals 4. That’s wrong. That’s what I call tak si che (not studying smart). You should study 2 times 2 equals 4, not 1 plus 1 equals 2.”
Overheard at the dining table.
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Returnees Night 04
Posted on November 23, 2004, by soph, under Learning Curve.
OCF had Returnees Night last Friday. It’s their annual celebration cum sending-off of those who have graduated and are moving on. I (obviously) missed it, but I’ve heard the best things about it. I heard there were a couple of speeches too. So here’s mine:
Hi guys, sorry I’m not there for Returnees this year. Yea I know what some of you are thinking, she is so not sorry, she couldn’t wait to go back, but hey, honest, I am sorry I’m not there. So if you guys make a video or something of tonight, I want one. Otherwise, I’ll just have to make do with Joel.
Anyway, I’m not really sure what people say at Returnees, but I want to say a massive THANK YOU to all of you guys. Thanks for being such a wonderful part of arguably the best years of my life, thanks for the opportunities and for helping me become the person that I am, and thanks for just being yourselves. I won’t name names like I just won an Oscar or something, but there are many here that I would have thanked personally over the years, and for many of you, just simple words of thanks are not enough to express how precious you are to me.
OCF to me is not about an organization, or even about a Christian fellowship. It is about individuals. And so I don’t think I’ll miss OCF, but I’ll definitely miss you guys. I won’t say “bye” because I know I’ll see you guys again (somewhere down the winding road), but do take care and remember to look me up if you’re in KL. And enjoy uni life.
I miss uni already. People make all these jokes about Arts degrees - which I don’t really mind because I’m having so much fun I won’t begrudge them theirs - but I don’t regret doing Arts. I don’t believe we should regret studying what we love and if it means dance and drama, go for it. I know the situation is different from person to person though, and I really thank God for my opportunity.
Now that I’m moving on to a new phase of my life, I look back and thank God for every single thing - the ups, the downs, the difficult times, the opportunities for learning and for growth, the memorable times which I will always hold dear, and the amazing people I’ve gotten to know. I thank God for my time in OCF because I know a large part of who I am today was molded during my time there. It has all been a privilege and I hope you guys will be able to say the same when your turn comes.
I am totally excited about the next stage of my life and what the future will bring, but you guys are very, very much in my thoughts and I guess that’s the most important thing I have to say.
Will see you guys again. Almost definitely.
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Past 72.
Posted on November 21, 2004, by soph, under Uncategorized.
I am perpetually sleepy. To say that I’ve finally gotten used to the KL-Melb time difference would be an understatement. I actually hit 11am the other day, and that is a new record since I got back. I’m blaming it on the
weather. It hasn’t done more than drizzle sporadically for the fleetest of moments in the past 3 days. Prior to that, it has rained faithfully every single day from the day I landed at KLIA. I have been back for 3 weeks. Almost half my self-declared
bumming time is over and I have no idea what I’ve been doing. Besides job-hunting and a few other errands that is. I have yet to be bored even for a few minutes (at least not that I can remember). And speaking of
job-hunting, I have decided to go with my heart. I’ll never know how it turns out unless I give it a shot, and so I have been emailing resumes and portfolios to various
magazines over the past 72 hours. I honestly wonder if this is just a phase or am I serious about giving up life in the corporate lane. I still have a pending interview with Shell anyway. Someone
prank called me for like 3 days in a row. I am sexist. I automatically assumed the culprit to be male. He hangs up as soon as I pick up the phone, and twice in one night, he sms-ed me saying, “cuba teka siapa aku” (guess who am I). Because he did it so many times, I tried everything. I tried saying, “hello” - to see if I could get a response; canceling his call - to see if he’ll get the hint; letting it ring until it stops - to aggravate him; pressing the answer button and leaving it there - to waste his money. He stopped after 3 days. I wonder if
Yuchun calling him pretending it was a wrong number had anything to do with it. Well, I was right. Our suspect is male. And obviously, of Malay ethnicity. We even have a name. Something along the lines of “Ahma” or “Ahmad”. Honestly though, if I were making a habit of prank calling people, I wouldn’t be so quick to give out my name to anyone who calls. I thought he might have been dialing random numbers and I got (un)lucky, but Chai Yen reckons there’s a possibility that it is someone who interviewed me. If only I knew for sure. We have finally finished Season 1 of
24. I shall not spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it. But it didn’t disappoint. Right until the last minute.
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The job-hunt dilemma.
Posted on November 19, 2004, by soph, under Career.
I turned down a job offer for the first time today. It was also my first job offer. But then, I’d already made up my mind. It was the Cobra one. I have the satisfaction of knowing I got the job, but I was more worried about how to turn it down. Well, it wasn’t so hard after all. The girl was really nice.
I’m at a career crossroads. Do I do what I love, or do what will get me decent pay? Because from the looks of things, I am probably going to have to choose one over the other. I believe in pursuing my passion, but am I willing to compromise the job criteria yours-fusspot-truly has set for herself? I do not aspire to be a corporate high-flyer, but I’ll be honest. The temptation of compromising my passion for more money is great. And that is why I respect people like Diane, Dawn and Mindy all the more.
I just got back from an interview with Cinema Online for the position of writer. This morning, I knew this interview was going to be different. Unlike the others where I was just basically stabbing in the dark for a job, I was excited about this one. I actually cared about whether or not I would get this, not because I wanted a job, but because I actually wanted the job. And I realized that this is what I want. I want to do what I love. I want to go to work and be excited about it. I don’t want to trudge through my days and live for weekends only to be miserable on Sunday night because well, work starts Monday. And horror of horrors I am still thinking about whether I should accept it if I’m offered the position even though I am required to work 2 Saturdays a month from 10am-3pm. I can’t believe myself. It’s a small company with real small pay and a practically 6 day work week and I am giving it serious thought.
That tells me a lot. It tells me firstly, that I must have hit my head real hard in my sleep last night, and secondly, that I have found something I love. I mean, this is the girl who was whinging about having to work from 9am-1pm on Saturdays and who is determined to get a 5 day week job. So what will it be? Passion or a 5 day week? What should it be?
Most people will tell me to do what I love. Pursue my dreams, enjoy your work, blah blah blah. But if they were in my position, they would choose the money. I think I’ve pretty much made up my mind about passion or money, at least for now, and it is a privilege I am grateful for. But like I said, the temptation is there, and there is the little-but-crucial question of Saturdays.
So, any thoughts anyone? Does anyone know whether all mags work 6 day weeks? Don’t tell me what you think I should do. Tell me what you would do.
I’ve subconsciously partially convinced myself that working 2 Saturdays a month really isn’t all that bad. I mean, if I love my job, I wouldn’t even feel the Saturdays, right? I must be crazy.
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Those were the (high school) days.
Posted on November 18, 2004, by soph, under Learning Curve.
Okay, I finally gave in. Long after the Friendster hype is over and gone, I started me an account yesterday. My high school friends (whom I met up with last night) managed to convince me it’s the easiest and fastest way to get in touch with everyone from my Chong Hwa days again.
Yes, if you didn’t already know, I am Chinese-educated.
Well, I suppose I technically didn’t give in to the Friendster fad. I mean, if it’s no longer a fad… or is it? Whatever. I have a feeling mine is going to be a very dormant account. If only because I am redirecting everyone to my blog.
But it sure is wonderful to contact people I’ve lost touch with in the past years. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I graduated from high school. And it’s been a couple of years since I talked to a few people I found in the 12 hours since too.
It is the season of reunions. And it is a warm, happy season.
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Television Meditations.
Posted on November 16, 2004, by soph, under God, Movies Music TV.
Jon, Yuchun and I are hooked on 24. It’s a television series with a truly inspired concept. Events occur in real time, each episode is an hour, there are 24 episodes to the series. The premise is this - there is an attempt on a presidential candidate’s life, and agent Jack Bauer from the Counter Terrorist Unit has been assigned to protect him. His wife and daughter have been kidnapped and it’s a conspiracy of massively confusing and unbelievable proportions. The entire series tells the story of this one day - the longest day of Bauer’s life. And for now at least, ours.
We would watch the whole thing in one sitting if we could. But we have lives to lead. Or at least, Jon and Yuchun do. So far, it’s 10 hours down, 14 more to go. And I can’t even begin to imagine the next plot twist. As Yuchun puts it, “it’s so stressful.” But then, that’s half the fun - screaming at the television screen, groaning about the stupidity of the characters, declaring out loud that we will never be that dumb, reading into anything and everything as a clue, an inspiration, or a revelation.
There was this one scene two nights ago for instance. A man and a woman were speeding to the aid of two girls who had been kidnapped, when they are stopped by a policeman. They explain their situation to the officer and ask for help, only to be given the normal spiel about staying in the car and handing over their driver’s license. After way too many minutes, the man finally gets out of the car and screams for the officer to just write him the summons so they can go on their way, and the officer books him for “disobeying a policeman” instead. The man ends up on the curb with his hands behind his head, and needless to say, they do not get to the girls in time.
And I thought, this is what’s happening in the church today. Many times, Christians are so busy concerning themselves with doing what’s right and correcting others’ wrongs, that they miss the genuine plea for help. Protocols, bureaucracy, systems, and “the way we do things” have become more important than the individual. Some become so busy “booking” others for “breaking the rules” that they fail to see the desperation behind the act. It does not matter that two girls are being kidnapped, because speeding is an offence and you should not have gotten out of the car when I told you not to.
It sounds absurd when we see it from a different perspective, and it is almost funny when we watch it on television. But we do it nonetheless. Unconsciously and in our own ways, we do it. And then we wonder why people continue to “break the rules”, without realizing that there are far more important things at stake than obedience towards our precious regulations.
Thanks to Cultural and Cinema Studies, I will likely never be able to watch/read/listen to anything without engaging way too much brain activity again.
