What do you believe in?
Yuchun asked. And honestly, I could not answer. Because I do not know. I know who I believe in, but I don’t know what I believe in anymore. And believe me, there is a difference.
A New Kind of Christian by Brian D. McLaren poses some really, really interesting questions. It is a critique of Christianity as we believe it, and a deconstruction of modernity. It questions, among other things, why we think the way we do about Christianity and about religion in general, why everyone parrots the same unhelpful but religiously right-sounding things, why we even are able to instantly recognize what we “should” and “should not” say, and why are more and more people feeling that church is no longer relevant.
Reading it, for me, is like attending a cultural studies lecture. There is a lot to take in, and a lot to think about. I love it, not just because I love all this critiquing and deconstructing, but because it stirs something within me. It brings up questions that I’ve been asking, and that I believe a lot of people are asking today. I do not read it for answers, but for the thoughts it stimulates, and the assurance that someone out there is asking the same questions, and sharing his struggles on it.
The church is not providing answers, but it is not their fault. It struck me that maybe, just maybe the reason the Pharisees were so stuck in their legalism and outward piety was not because they wanted to make their own lives – and everyone else’s – complicated and miserable, it was because legalism and piety were all they knew. They had been told what was the “right” thing to do, and they were trying damn hard to do it as best they could.
The same applies for the church today. It is not their fault that they cannot provide answers to a people who have crossed over into the 21st century, to Gen X-ers and Y-ers who have made it their life’s mission to stop listening to what others say, and seek the truth for themselves. It is not their fault that Christianity – unlike Christ – is a product of the culture and the times because it is only inevitable. But like the Pharisees, it is their fault if they are not willing to get off their high horse, listen and entertain the notion that maybe, just maybe something has changed. A lot of the time people don’t want answers to their questions, they only want to be heard. Because in this age of cynicism and scepticism, they’re not going to believe your answers anyway. They have to find out for themselves.
Like I must now do.
Work does weird things to you. It makes you varying degrees of cynical, tough, materialistic, weary, apathetic… It wears you down to the point that you don’t care anymore because isn’t this how the world works anyway? I start work come Monday. But I do not harbour great Christian dreams of “making a difference” in my workplace. Because I am going there to learn about the real world. I want to venture out myself, and see what it does to me. And if in the process I put a smile on someone’s face or make someone’s day just that little bit better, then it is good and well. If it brings me further along this journey of seeking and questioning, then it is even better.
To you who are not afraid to share your doubts and struggles, thanks for making me unafraid too. I do not know if I truly understand what you guys feel, but I want to listen.
I do not know what I believe in anymore, but I know Who I believe in, and that for me, for now, is enough.
