Posts under ‘Parenting’

Do you keep people waiting?

Feb 16th, 2010
by soph.
1 comment

I don’t mean punctuality – I will be the first to admit I’ve often shown up a little later than I would have liked for lunch dates and appointments; I mean like when someone is waiting for you at your door to pick you up, or the family is waiting for you so they can sit down to dinner together… that sort of thing.

I ask because I was raised to move my ass the instant someone called, and when I married Y, I was surprised to discover that he wasn’t. In fact, he has no problem keeping his family waiting while he finishes something up, whereas I’d be the one standing at the door (or the dining table) going, “Come on, your parents are waiting.”

It was a bit of a “culture shock” the first few years, but now I’m used to it, if not entirely comfortable with it still. More and more I’m beginning to see how Y and I are rubbing off on each other. These days, he definitely moves that much quicker when someone is waiting for him while I, on the other hand, am learning that it’s okay to be a little slower sometimes. I hope we’re changing for the better.

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Posted in: Marriage, Parenting.

How far would you go to get into Cambridge University?

Jan 18th, 2010
by soph.
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Some of the neighbourhood kids have been doing their university applications and with my brother-in-law just starting college, we’ve been hearing lots of talk about who got into Cambridge University and who’s applying to do what course. Mostly, who got into Cambridge.

At last count, at least one of my brother’s friends has been accepted into the prestigious UK university while two others are on the waiting list. But what’s surprising isn’t how many seriously smart kids we have around here, it’s that one of them apparently told my brother he paid an English tuition teacher RM500 to write his personal statement for his application.

Now I don’t know if he paid the teacher to sit down and go through his essay with him and sort of coach him through it, or whether he paid the teacher to write it entirely. Obviously a teacher who would agree to the latter is of rather questionable character but that’s beside the point. The point is, no one seems to think there’s anything wrong with it!

I’ve heard comments about how it’s perfectly okay, that lots of other people cheat on their applications anyway, that sometimes you have to cheat a little to get ahead in this world… I mean, assuming it’s the second situation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with seeking help in structuring or editing an essay and having someone go through it with you as long as you wrote it yourself.

Which makes me think, how far would parents go to ensure their child gets into a top university? How much are they willing to sacrifice just so they can tell other parents their son or daughter is studying in Cambridge? And by sacrifice I don’t mean financially, not at all. I mean morally.

Again, I don’t know exactly what the deal is with this kid but the whole incident just made me think really hard. The news shocked me, the reaction baffled me and now it’s just scaring me. Because what if, one day, my kid wants to apply to university and I think nothing of allowing him/her to cheat on the application? What if I become one of those parents who are so blinded by prestige I gladly sacrifice my integrity and the integrity of my child so he or she can get what she wants? Or worse, so they can get what I want.

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Posted in: Parenting.

This November, please be grateful. Thank you

Nov 27th, 2009
by soph.
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As the Americans recover from their Thanksgiving dinners, I am thankful that today is a public holiday for me as Muslims celebrate Hari Raya Aidiladha. I am thankful for the long weekend and I am thankful that I have far more to be thankful for than I can possibly list. And believe me, I am very good at making lists.

When I was growing up, my father taught me to be grateful for everything I had and my mother taught me the importance of saying please and thank you. It’s a habit (lifestyle?) I hope to pass on to my kid. To my mother, saying please and thank you was probably more about good manners but to me, it’s also about respect. I say please and thank you to everyone because I think everyone deserves respect – from my boss to my maid to the guy who collects my garbage – and this is my small way of showing it on a regular basis.

One of the traits that I admire the most in people isn’t their determination or their talent although those are wonderful things to emulate and to have, it is the ability to treat everybody with respect and to treat everybody the same. I admire it because I don’t see it very often and I wish I could say I look at every single person equally but the truth is, sometimes I don’t. I am distracted by status, race, age, appearance… the many things that consciously or unconsciously influence how we behave towards other people. So I’m working on it and I probably will for a long time.

Oh dear and this was supposed to be a post about being thankful. You know all those stories about starving African children that parents always repeat when their kids won’t finish their food? Well, it worked on me. Whining and complaining was something my father did not look kindly upon. Don’t like your dinner? Think about all the starving children who don’t even have food to eat. Whining about homework? You should be so lucky to have the opportunity to go to school and get a good education.

You’d think this sort of thing repeated over, I don’t know, 20 years would have made me quite immune to it, but instead, it’s stuck. I find myself saying the same thing on occasion to my youngest siblings and sounding about 40 years old in the process. I’ll probably say the same thing to my kid. But I really think being grateful is so important. It puts things into perspective and shows me what a whiny brat I’m being.

So today, I’m going to take several moments to remember all the things I’m thankful for. From this laptop I’m tapping away on to my husband who still refuses to get up even though it’s noon. From the baby that’s kicking inside of me to our families who I know might spend the next 20 years telling us how to bring him or her up. For my many, many blessings, I am grateful.

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Posted in: Parenting.

Grades vs. Character

Mar 13th, 2009
by soph.
13 comments

SPM results were released yesterday and I’ve been hearing all these horror stories that make me question if our next generation of teens are ruined. Mother-in-law told me about neighbourhood kids who cried their eyes out because they’d scored 10A1s and 1A2, about parents who put their children down in public because they’d scored “only 9A1s.”

I was shocked. Brother-in-law, who takes the exam later this year, shed some light. The aim is to achieve straight A1s. It doesn’t matter how many you get, as long as you score a single A2 or – God forbid – a B3, your results are moot. You are no longer a “straight A1 student.” Everyone, he tells me, is very kiasu (translation: afraid of losing out) about it.

People think Chinese schools are competitive but I was from a Chinese school and I tell you we have nothing on these kids.

Who or what makes them think anything less than an A1 is a disaster? Why are kids crying their eyes out over results any sane human being would be proud of? Whatever happened to, “As long as you try your best, daddy and mummy are right behind you and support you”?

It’s insane, really. And I can’t help but wonder if the same kids who care so deeply about their grades care about the other (more) important things in life. Strength of character. Integrity. Selflessness and concern for others. Being grateful for their many opportunities and privileges. Because from what I’ve heard, it sure doesn’t look that way.

What kind of message are their parents sending? Did you know that in some schools, you can “bribe” clubs and societies for perfect attendance so your school record looks better when you graduate? Except it’s not called “bribing”, as I was informed, it’s called “helping.” Funny, when cops ask for a bribe they use the same word too – help.

“If you had to choose between having the best results or being known as the person with the best, most upright character,” I asked one kid. “Which would you choose?”

Here’s the scary part – she couldn’t answer the question.

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Posted in: Parenting.

A sign of protest

Sep 2nd, 2008
by soph.
2 comments

My brother-in-law has been grounded for a week. I’m not sure exactly what his infractions were, but he’s also been stripped of mobile phone, Internet and television privileges. He’s calling it house arrest and has pasted a sign on his bedroom door in protest. I support my parents-in-law’s decision a hundred percent. So does Y. And I laughed when I saw this:

With no convenient way of contacting the girlfriend (and his friends), my brother-in-law has been spending his hours studying for his year-end exams, reading a novel, catching up on sleep (usually in that order) and – as you can see – dabbling in semi-creative pastimes. I think it’s great.

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Posted in: Family, Parenting.

Q&A with Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed

Jul 22nd, 2008
by soph.
1 comment

As promised, excerpts from my interview with Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed. These were my questions but it was a group telephone interview so any of the other journos were free to use them. I admit to being a little annoyed sometimes, especially when I read other articles that were written using mostly my questions and not their own but like I said, it was a group interview and it’s perfectly normal and acceptable.

What sets Gene Simmons Family Jewels apart from all the other reality TV shows out there?
Shannon Tweed: We’re real and we’re not a car accident.
Gene Simmons: I think women around the world, especially in Malaysia, would love to see a woman like Shannon. Shannon is a modern 21st century woman who doesn’t define herself by any man – certainly not me. I think that’s a great wake up call to women around the world. I don’t care what religion or culture you are from; you are more important than you think you are. Maybe you’re even more important than the men in the world, and that’s a self-empowering message. If the women of the world want to see what a super 21st century woman is like, you watch our show and you’ll see Shannon, who speaks her mind and if she doesn’t agree with me…
ST: You know, just because I kick your ass doesn’t mean I’m modern.
GS: That’s what I mean.

You and Shannon have done a fantastic job of bringing up Nick and Sophie. What is the secret?
GS: The secret is Shannon Tweed.
ST: It’s not.
GS: Go to your local store and buy the deluxe Shannon Tweed model. Whatever it costs, go and buy that model. That will bring you lots of happiness.
ST: The secret is not a secret. It’s how to say ‘no’ and mean it and how to say ‘yes’ and mean it. When the kids were growing up, they would try to play one parent against the other. You have to have a unified front, and you have to not fight with each other in front of the children. You have to show them that you’re the boss and you mean what you say. They could never change my mind about anything, so they never tried to beg me for things. If I said they couldn’t go out, they didn’t ask me twice. They know that ‘no’ is no and it never changes to ‘yes’ so it was always very clear what we were doing and they didn’t question our authority, and that’s important, I think.
GS: Love your mother, fear your father.
ST: You can fear your mother too.
GS: I do.

What if your kids wanted to become rock stars, would that be a ‘yes’ or ‘no’?
ST: I don’t have to give them permission to be what they’re going to be when they’re grown up. When they’re adults, they make their own decisions and then my job is over. [Laughs]
GS: That would be fine with me, as long as they had the work ethic. No lazy way out, no expecting somebody else to do it. If they work as hard as I do, they’ll have a great job whatever they do. You have to love labour, not look for a job. Don’t get a job; love working, whatever you do.

What won’t you do on Gene Simmons Family Jewels?
ST: What won’t you pay for? Let me think.
GS: Oh my god, I already jerked off a bull, what else do you want me to do?
ST: [Laughs] It’s more like, what won’t they film?
GS: I’m saying, once you do that, who the h*ll cares after that? By the way, there’s nothing that smells like that.
ST: Oh my God.
GS: There’s nothing. It’s not like turpentine, not like anything.
ST: There’s one thing… [Laughs]
GS: [Laughs] For those of you who don’t know, one of the episodes had me, well, let’s just say it had to do with a big bull – 1200 pounds – and how the bull’s sperm was actually worth more than the bull. You’ve never seen anything like this in your life.
ST: Why you had to go get some, I have no idea.
GS: I had to tie up the cow. That part I liked. I had to put on these long gloves and a catcher’s mitt – this kind of thing that caught it. You’ve never seen anything like this. It’s unbelievable.
ST: So, to answer your question – nothing.

What about maybe getting married on TV?
ST: Good question.
GS: I’m not familiar with that term.
ST: There’s something he won’t do, isn’t there? But you know what the happy news is? There’s something we’ll also never do, and that’s get divorced on camera.
GS: Or off camera, Shannon Tweed.
ST: I feel better already.

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Posted in: Celebrities, Movies Music TV, Parenting.