Warning: The following is an expression for therapeutic purposes. You’ll know what I mean.
I am bored. I am restless. I cannot sleep, but I don’t know what to do with myself. You have no idea how much I would love to just sleep until noon tomorrow, but somehow I doubt that is going to happen. And so in lieu of all the above, and the fact that this blog is to me, as much an avenue of therapy as anything else, I shall open the floodgates as they say, and let it all out. After all, if there’s one thing I have a lot of right now, it is time.
I learnt early on never to walk away from an argument unless I was absolutely sure I wanted to. Any mildly dramatic being – ie the entire human species – has probably tried at least one of these during some argument at some point in their life – storming out of a room, stalking off from a disagreement, slamming down the phone. It is the theatrical flair in each of us, and even I, who cannot act to save my life, has but an element of this within me. I wonder, is it human nature, or is it the result of way too many television dramas? Whichever it is, nothing is quite as embarrassing as storming off in a huff, and then having to come back sheepish, because a) you had to resolve the issue; or b) you’d stormed off into a dead end, quite literally, as I saw one gentleman do last week. Personally, I’ve learnt never to do that because I always end up doing a). You see, I’m one of those people the verse (if I remember correctly that there is such a verse), do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, is written for/about. I hate unresolved arguments. The “common wisdom” of letting angry people be until they’ve cooled down, or leaving angry people to sleep on it for a night, just does not apply to me for some reason. It is a curse, that I must speak my mind and not bottle it up. That I must express it and do so now, as opposed to mulling it over a sleepless night. That if you matter enough to me, I want to and need to resolve the argument now. And you of all people should know that, if only because I have said it so many times.
I always thought it was my nature to give in to people. That somewhere along the line of my upbringing, I developed a character that has been termed by others as “easy-going”, “nice”, “not fussy”, and sometimes “can’t think for myself”. It is not a good thing I assure you. Because I believe we are by nature selfish beings. And so I wonder if I am really giving in to people from a sincere heart of generosity, because it is a subconscious desire to be liked, accepted and loved, or is it due to an imperceptible lack of esteem?
…I know, I sound like a raving mad Arts student, deconstructing and analysing anything and everything, but hey, it’s 1.30am and anything is possible. Besides, it’s therapeutic. I feel better (ie sleepy) already…
Then there’s the little problem of this dog-eat-dog world and the whole survival of the fittest thingamajig. Darwin was wrong about evolution, but he was pretty spot-on about the strong eliminating the weak. Except instead of animals and apes, he’d unknowingly described human nature. It is sad but true – the aggressive are hated, the passive are scorned. Maybe that’s why people are so hungry for power, because they unconsciously fear they will be “eliminated” if they are weak. According to Planet Earth, power is equated to control – he who calls the shots is the most powerful. So everyone is quick to bring down the powerful they deem threatening, while being equally eager to crush those who are weaker.
…I’m starting to wonder if my ramblings don’t make sense…
And so I find that being “nice” is a very complicated thing. Besides mulling over my conscious and unconscious motivations, there is the fear that I am constantly being taken advantage of, or at the very least, taken for granted. I believe it happens. I believe I have been guilty of doing the same to other “nice” people. But it is a very real fear, not that I will be taken advantage of by those I know, but that I am taken for granted by the people closest to my heart. Because I do not care about the woman who cuts my queue, or the coursemate who disappoints, but I care about close friends, family, and most of all, him. On the one hand I know what the Bible says I should do, but on the other hand, can we really only ever give without taking? Is it humanly possible, or just a perfection we strive towards in technicality only? Is it even perfection at all?
I’m not asking for a dozen messages of encouragement and support, I just need to say this so my therapy is complete and I can go to sleep: I am so being taken for granted.
