Telling myself it’s worth it

Going into motherhood, I definitely expected to have less time for myself. With a job, a baby and a husband, who has time for a life, right? Wrong. As I quickly discovered, my biggest challenge isn’t that I can’t find time for myself; it’s that I won’t.

Yes, you read that right.

For the longest time, I felt guilty if I left Kaylin with my in-laws and their helper for any reason other than work. Then I got over that, but I still wouldn’t break her routine unless I absolutely had to.

I would contemplate an outing, then decide it wasn’t worth me feeling guilty and rushing and worrying about Kaylin. The three or four times I’ve been out at night without her, I’ve been excited and guilty and happy and worried and eager to rush home once I was done.

Then, this month, I finally bit the bullet. Hubby and I had to attend a wedding out of state, and I didn’t think Kaylin should do the long drive to and fro.

We let her stay overnight at my in-laws for the first time, and I made sure I was ready for it. I worried in the days leading up to that weekend, but once hubby and I got into the car, I told myself to relax and enjoy our first baby-free evening/night in a year.

It was wonderful. We hung out with our friends, did whatever we wanted, didn’t get home until 1am… and at some point during that evening, my doubts about whether all the preparations and worrying were worth it faded away. It was so worth it!

Since that day, I’ve been reminding myself that taking time for me (and for my marriage) is definitely worth it. Sure, there’s still effort involved and the mummy in me still worries, but it’s something I’m determined to do.

So determined, in fact, that we’ve left Kaylin overnight with her grandparents again while we caught a comedy show with our friends; hubby and I have watched two movies together – our first and second since Kaylin was born; and just yesterday, I left her with hubby so I could play tennis with my colleagues – our first session in two years.

The next step? Working up the courage and peace of mind to leave Kaylin with my in-laws while hubby and I go on a short trip. I absolutely have to go scuba diving.