I want to say much, but I dont know what to say. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but perhaps because I am just tired of saying it. Besides, how do you put into words the relentless waves of the sea? How do you describe the strong unpredictable current beneath, or explain the calm nonchalance of its lapping surface?
I can’t believe I’m comparing myself to a mass of salty water. But as the waves are relentless, so my frustrations come forth and recede. The emotions suppressed, the passion fast abating, the cynicism so worrying, are the currents that drive the sea. Can cynicism and passion co-exist? I feel it is just a matter of time before the latter is replaced with apathy.
After all, it is not in my nature to want to win the debates, neither is it my character to let them dictate my life. I have had enough of that. I choose to follow my heart, and if in doing so, I am forced to argue with persistence or walk away in apathy, then I will choose the latter. I am tired of repeating the same things, I am tired of frustration. Now I just want to soothe the ache.
I never really understood what they meant when they spoke of an ache for community, or an ache for people to be real in church. Now I do. I ache for empathy and not defensiveness, love and not superficiality, God in my life and not the god who only resides in the building they call church. I ache for a community who are not afraid to tackle the hard issues, who are not caught up in self-imposed legalism, who are not constantly trying to dress, talk or act like “good Christians” and judging those who do not join in their efforts.
In retrospect I realise this is a gradually dawning realisation over the past 5 years, but where before I had no name to call it by, I now loosely term it: cultural Christianity.
